


A Guide to Love, Loss & Desperation

by paulatheprokaryote



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: HPFT, Declarations Of Love, Drama, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Marauders, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 11:41:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6955081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paulatheprokaryote/pseuds/paulatheprokaryote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <img/>
</p>
<p>James Potter and Lily Evans attempt to navigate the uncharted territory of love, loss, and desperation during their seventh year.</p>
<p>Title inspired by The Wombats and banner by the incredibly talented darth vader@The-Dark-Arts.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tales of Girls, Boys & Marsupials.

James saw her billowing red hair as soon as he passed through Platform Nine and Three Quarters. He internally winced. He’d been haunted by flashes and snippets of the previous spring throughout the entire summer.

He took care to avoid her as he boarded the back section of the train. He waded through the maze of students looking for an open compartment until he finally joined his three best friends in the world.

“There’s our new Head Boy!” Sirius clapped James on the shoulder as a greeting.

“Are you going to be doling out detentions for us this year?” Remus gave an exhausted smiled.

“Please, with James in charge we will be unstoppable!” Peter beamed encouragingly.

“Yes, I’m really going to put a stop to those anonymous pranksters calling themselves--what is it again? The Marooners?” James teased as they settled into an empty compartment.

With Remus perusing his copy of Advanced Potion-Making and Sirius and Peter immersed in a game of exploding snap, James found himself reliving the argument all over again.

_“You and my sister would get along great.” Lily spat venomously._

It had never occurred to James that anyone else in the world might be cruel to Lily. It seemed that everyone loved her. It wasn’t until later that Remus explained to James what Lily’s home life was like. James found himself tinged with jealousy that he wasn’t the one she was confiding in. But then again why would she? He was too busy tormenting her.

_“What do you want from me, James? You’ve already won. I get it. No one in their right mind would ask me out unless it was a joke. You’ve won. Please stop.” Lily pleaded with him, emerald eyes shining with tears._

James couldn’t help but recognize that was the first time she’d ever called him James. He was usually regarded to as Potter or arrogant toerag.

His stomach turned with guilt at the resigned sound of her voice. There wasn’t a single sign of her usual fiery response. No one in their right mind would ask me out unless it was a joke. He did that to her. He made her feel as if no one could possibly want her. He felt responsible for that. How had his jokes escalated to that point?

He knew how. He glanced at his best friend. He loved Sirius fiercely, but he had a habit of bringing out the worst in James. Not as though that excused his behavior though. He still made every decision that lead him to hurting her. He should have listened to Remus and Peter. They kept telling him it was wrong. It wasn’t funny to ask her out day in and day out. It was humiliating for her. He should have recognized that if Peter said it was too far, it was too far. This year, he’d make things right.

James passed the train ride scribbling in his quidditch playbook, occasional consulting Peter, who happened to be a sublime strategist.

James glanced at his wrist watch. The Heads’ meeting wasn’t until another half an hour, but he suddenly needed some space from the cramped compartment.

“I’m going to catch the trolley and then go to the prefects’ carriage for a meeting with the Head Girl.” James announced to no one in particular. James was waved off by Sirius, who couldn’t be bothered to look up from the intense game against Peter.

The trolley was likely close to the front of the train so James paced the corridor of the train hoping to catch a few pumpkin pasties. They seemed to disappear the fastest.

He found the plump witch manning Honeydukes Express just outside of the prefects’ carriage.

“James! Some pasties?” The middle aged witch greeted him promptly as he joined the line. Needless to say, he spent his fair share of time at Honeydukes.

“Two please, Dorothea.” James grinned, ignoring the affronted Hufflepuff girl in line ahead of him. If you’re nice to the right people, it always pays off.

Waiting for his pasties, he glanced in the prefect’s carriage. He caught another glimpse of the familiar fiery hair and wondered how in Merlin’s name he would approach her after everything.

Dorothea handed him his pasties in exchange for a few coins, leaving him with a decision. He could return to the safety of his carriage, roam around, or just face her and get it over with.

Ever the Gryffindor, James decided to approach the prefects’ carriage. She saw him immediately, causing her smile to falter.

“Potter, what are you doing in here? You’re not a prefect.” Lily accused with a creased brow.

“You’re right, I’m not. I’m Head Boy.” he announced proudly. He glanced at her uniform, recognizing a pin similar to his.

“And I see you’ve made Head Girl, well done!” he congratulated a stunned Lily.

“You?” Lily didn’t bother to mask her surprise and disdain from her tone.

“Yep! Proof that Dumbledore has finally lost it.” James laughed, but she seemed to nod along as if that could be the only possible explanation.

“I suppose since you’re here and this isn’t some twisted prank,” she glanced at him suspiciously, “We should go ahead and get started.”

She pulled out a list of names. He recognized some of them as prefects.

“I’ve already started filling out a timesheet for the prefects to patrol the train, as well as the first week of patrols at the castle.” she handed him the list to review, digging through her bag.

“The password to the prefects’ bathroom is bulla balneum for the first month.” she handed him another few pages scribbled with passwords for the entire castle to look over.

“And our first event to coordinate this year will be the first Hogsmeade weekend, which I think we should do the final weekend of September.” she stacked a last bit of parchment on top and took the papers back.

“Alright?” She narrowed his eyes.

“Uh, sounds good.” he replied unsure.

“Okay, well, I think that’s all we need to go over. You can go back to your friends until the prefects meeting.” she dismissed him, picking up a copy of an old book.

James began to leave, but stopped at the door.

“Look Lily–” he began, running his hand through his unruly dark hair nervously, “I just wanted to say–”

“Potter, I don’t really want to talk about it.” Lily cut him off.

“I get that, but I really want to say I’m so sorry. I’ve been stewing on your words all summer and–” James continued anyway.

“You’re sorry. Fine. I get it. I don’t want to have this discussion right now.” she shoved her face further into the book she was reading.

“Well, will you let me know when you do want to have this discussion? I’d really like to make this up to you.” James insisted.

She finally pulled the book from her face to give him a once over. He felt his cheeks heat up at her scrutiny.

“Alright, dish it out then.” she sighed, dog-earing her book.

“I’ve been an absolute troll, Lily. Not just to you, but to a lot of people. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I can’t be that person anymore. I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you and I want to find some way, any way to make it right.” he felt like he was just word vomiting. He should have rehearsed this better.

“Actions speak louder than words. You want to apologize? Show me you’re sorry. Don’t say a bunch of meaningless rubbish.” Lily tugged unconsciously on her hair.

“Show you?” He asked hoping she’d spell out exactly what he could do.

“If I have to explain it to you, you just won’t get it.” she said in a final tone.

He left the compartment feeling more confused than he did when he walked in. How do you show someone you’re sorry? Chocolate? Flowers? The last time he did either of those, she hexed him.

When James returned to the compartment he found Sirius and Remus in a loud argument over the correct pronunciation of ‘lycanthropy’ in which James was asked to mediate since Peter was smart enough not to get in the middle of it.

In the end, he agreed with Remus on the obvious pronunciation, causing Sirius to sulk.

In that moment, James felt much older than his friends.

 _'This must be how Remus feels all of the time.'_ James thought with a snort.

James, while pleased to be reunited with his dearest friends, was overwhelmingly relieved to finally leave the cramped compartment as the scarlet train lurched to halt at Hogsmeade Station. The warm September air felt pleasant on his chilled skin and the carriages were a welcomed sight.

Sirius apparently felt the same way as he dashed for the nearest carriage, pushing ahead of a group of fourth years.

James’ temporarily relief from anxiety lifted immediately, realizing Sirius picked the carriage with Lily Evans and Marlene McKinnon.

Lily and Marlene’s conversation seemed to drop when they recognized the other occupants. It was no secret that Sirius, a notorious womanizer, had played with Marlene’s mind a bit last year and she didn’t seem to forgive him for it.

“'Ello, McKinnon!” Sirius seemed oblivious to this. “Looking as lovely as ever!” he beamed. She frowned, ignoring Peter’s attempt to subtly kick Sirius’ shin.

The carriage ride was mostly silent except for the occasional chatter from Sirius, who still didn’t recognize the tension in the air and Remus making small talk with Lily.

James felt a burning feeling in the pit of his stomach that felt surprisingly like jealousy. He supposed he did feel a bit jealous that Remus had it so easy. He could just open his mouth and say words to her and they didn’t get jumbled up or come out wrong. Sometimes she even laughed with him.

Lily noticed James’ eyes on her and afforded him the smallest of smiles, an evident blush creeping across her cheeks.

 _‘Great’_ he thought, _‘Now I’ve gone and made her uncomfortable.’_

He returned the cautious smile, which Sirius, the blind git, seemed to notice.

“Are you and Lily friends now?” Sirius wondered aloud, causing James’ ears to tinge as scarlet as his Gryffindor tie.

“Yes, Sirius, we are mates now.” Lily said bluntly. Sirius clearly missed the sarcasm dripping from her tone.

Sirius nodded along as if thinking it over.

“Good, good. I always wondered why you two didn’t get on.” he gave off one of his radiant grins.

It was clear that Lily wanted to tell him off, explain exactly why they didn’t get on, but there was that goofy smile of his. Sirius usually finds it hilarious when girls compare him to a puppy. How can you disappoint the man-puppy?

Dinner seemed to fly by as Marlene warmed up to Sirius again. The two of them chattered on throughout all of the sorting and held enough conversation to keep it from being awkward. Peter and Remus were squabbling over whether or not they should swap beds. Peter didn’t like sleeping near the door in case of murderers.

“James.” Lily interrupted one of James’ mindless stares into space clanking an empty fork against his lips, “We have to visit Dumbledore’s office before bed.”

“I’m ready when you are.” James blurted, feeling a bit incompetent. How was it that she already knew exactly what they had to do at any given moment? Was he was supposed to innately know this stuff? Did he miss an orientation letter?

“Ah, lovely to see you Miss Evans, Mister Potter. I trust you both had pleasant summers.” Dumbledore greeted the pair cordially when they arrived in his office, standing up from his chair to shake each of their hands.

“Yes sir, and you?” Lily replied comfortably, seating herself in a navy arm chair. James followed suit.

“Quite. I finally caught up on my knitting!” Dumbledore gestured to a pile of woven yarn on the corner of his desk.

“Now, I’m sure you’re both ready to get to bed after such a long trip so I won’t keep you long. I want the pair of you to take the next two weeks to come up with a school wide event to promote house unity,” he said dreamily.

“House unity, sir?” James asked, unclear of what exactly he wanted.

“With the current climate, it’d be best if we could all join together rather than fight amongst each other.” Dumbledore stated simply with a spark in his eye.

Lily nodded along, clearly more aware of what the Headmaster meant.

“We’re on it, Professor!” Lily agreed enthusiastically.

“Excellent. I know I can count on you!” he seemed to dismiss them without actually verbally doing so.

James again followed Lily’s lead out the office, down the stairs, and to the grand staircase. He gave her a few paces ahead of him so she wasn’t forced to talk to him, even if he wanted to talk to her. At least this way he couldn’t muck things up further with his big mouth.

Lily stopped at the grand staircase and turned around to him. Her hands were perched on her hips the way they usually were when she was about to yell at him. He felt a small rush of excitement pulsing his veins.

“You could at least stop being weird and walk beside me. You’re making me uncomfortable.” she frowned at him.

“Sorry.” he jogged to catch up to her.

“You’ve been saying that a lot lately.” she muttered offhandedly.

“Well, I have a lot to be sorry for.” he replied, trying to express how much he meant it through his eyes. By the eyebrow quirk she afforded him, he gathered he actually just looked like a loon.

“James, if we are going to work together you can’t keep bringing up the past. We need to talk beyond just you apologizing.” she insisted.

“You’re right, sorry.” he covered his hand with his mouth when he realized he’d just apologized again.

She gave him an exasperated look but he noticed the corners of her mouth twitching up.


	2. Kill the Director

Patrols were easily the dullest part of being a prefect. The more Lily considered it, the only real benefit was the bath on the fifth floor. At least as Head Girl, she got her name on a trophy in the trophy room.

“Why don’t I check the corridor nearest to Slytherin’s common room and you finish up the potions corridor?” Remus suggested, tugging his cardigan tight. It was much chillier in the dungeons than the rest of the castle.

“Good thinking,” Lily agreed, “Meet back here in ten?”

She preferred when they patrolled near the kitchens, which was next on the list. Remus always snuck in and grabbed her a piece of treacle tart.

Lily checked the potions cupboard, occasionally occupied with the more brave snoggers of the castle. It was, thankfully, empty tonight.

Her ears perked slightly at a shuffling noise just around the corner. She strained to listen, hoping to interpret the source before she approached. Snogging was one thing, but it was mortifying for everyone if she interrupted students mid-shag.

A small, muffled scream sprang Lily into action.

Lily turned the corner hurriedly, looking for the source of the muffled scream. She immediately drew her wand when she found it.

She had the element of surprise, but she was vastly outnumbered.

She wasn’t terrible at wordless incantations. _Expelliarmus_ she thought, sending Mulciber’s wand flying. Mulciber and his band of bonehead buffoons whirled around in a flash. The pinned girl, a Hufflepuff first or second year took the opportunity to make a run for it. 

Lily prepared for a duel, holding her wand steady.

“It’s after hours. Please return to your common room.” she asserted coolly, not flinching at the sneer on Mulciber’s face.

“Or what, mudblood?” he spat in her direction.

He may be wandless, but his cronies certainly were not. Avery, Nott, Goyle, and Carrow raised their wands to her. She had the presence of mind to cast a silent _protego_.

Her shield faltered when she recognized the sixth member of the gang. Severus. There he was, wand pointed at her with the rest of the monsters.

His own wand wavered at the look of horror on her face.

Carrow took advantage of the falter to assault her with a variety of hexes. Every strike sent searing pain shooting through her body. Her blood felt as if it was boiling through her skin. Each cell in her body felt like it would rupture at any second. One of the curses, she had recognized scribbled down last year by Severus, was _imfractis_. She immediately collapsed to the ground, gasping for air. She clawed frantically at her throat, desperately trying to breathe. She dug at the alabaster skin of her throat until blood caked under her fingernails. Her lungs felt starved and her head was getting dizzy. She wanted to scream. She might have been screaming. She couldn’t tell as her brain directed all of her senses to focus on screaming that she needed oxygen. She could faintly hear footsteps and feel the vibrations from thunderous shouting as the world puzzled out. The last thing she saw was the livid face of her favorite professor before the darkness swallowed her.

She awoke groggily, distinctly aware of a hollow ache in her chest. Her throat was burning and she felt too weak to even raise her head.

Peering down at her with an expression of remorse and guilt was Remus.

“Oh, thank goodness!” Remus gushed immediately.

Lily tried to peel her eyes open more, but it required so much effort.

“I’m so sorry, Lily. We should have never split up.” He bit his lip harsh enough to draw blood.

“Wh--What happened?” She took in her surroundings, realizing she was in the hospital wing.

“You were attacked. Only a few days at Hogwarts and you’ve been attacked! Mulciber and the gang. Slughorn saw the whole thing, apparently.” Remus still looked distinctly upset.

Lily strained to recall the whole thing.

“They were doing something to a Hufflepuff.” Lily recalled slowly.

“Yeah, a first year, Margie Hancock. She was the one that found Slughorn." Remus filled in.

“Is she okay?” Lily asked concernedly. She recalled the terror flash in the young girl’s eyes and felt goosebumps spring up across her arms.

“She’s completely fine. I’ve never seen Sluggy so cross though. He’s so livid he actually gave the lot of them three weeks detention in the forest!” Remus’ voice sounded as surprised as she felt.

“In the forest? The Forbidden Forest?” Lily wheezed disbelievingly.

Slughorn notoriously turned a blind eye to students acting out, especially if they belonged in Slytherin. 

“The very one! I think seeing his favorite student dying sent diplomatic ol’ Sluggy over the edge a bit.” Remus laughed hollowly.

Lily joined Remus’ hollow laugh.

“Remus, we’ve got to do something. The younger students can’t keep up with all of this dark magic. We have to do something.” Lily insisted suddenly, short of breath.

“Like what? A duelling club?” He contemplated. Lily took the moment to recognize how exhausted he looked. He always looked tired, but he truly looked weary tonight.

“No. A defense club. We need to keep it secret though. I’m not training any deatheater wannabes how to attack students.” Lily’s voice cracked to a whisper, which was much easier on her throat.

“Lily, I don’t think–” Remus began.

“I don’t care what Dumbledore would say. It’s happening one way or another!” Lily snapped at him, knowing where he was going. Remus only threw caution in the wind for the three other boys he associated himself with.

Her expression softened at the evident hurt on his face.

“Remus, they are going to kill someone. It’s a miracle they haven’t yet. It’s our job to protect the students.” Lily tried to appeal to his good nature.

“Alright, I’m with you.” he relented.

“Good, maybe you and your meddling friends can use your evil for good. We need a place to practice where we won’t be found.” Lily requested.

“Miss Evans! You’re awake!” Madam Dunlap bustled over to her, interrupting the conversation.

“I’ll need you to take these potions.” She placed a tray with four ghastly smelling mixtures in front of her.

“Mr. Lupin, that’s all for now. You can see her during visiting hours tomorrow.” She shooed Remus out.

“Tomorrow? How long will I be in here for?” Lily protested.

“At the very least a few days. Ideally a week or so.” Madam Dunlap drew her curtains, urging her to rest.

Lily couldn’t get comfortable in the creaky bed. Less than a week back at Hogwarts and those monsters attacked the Head Girl. This year was going to be an uphill battle.

She couldn’t lie here for a week. That’d make them think she was weak. They weren’t going to win. He wasn’t going to win. She’d be there tomorrow. She’d hold her chin high and stare them down. Next time around, she might just hex them into oblivion. It’d be worth the detentions.

With this resolution, Lily found enough peace to fall asleep.

She awoke at two in the morning to what sounded like a muffled snore near her. She could have sworn it was coming from the chair beside her bed, but that was just absurd. She let out a loud wheeze as she got out of bed. The entire hall fell eerily silent. She pulled her curtains back, but no one was there.

She settled back into her bed, determining that it was either her own snore or the potions were playing tricks on her. She found a plate of treacle tart beside her on the nightstand with a scribbled note.

_Since we didn’t make it to the kitchens._

She laughed, wolfing down the tart. Remus was a good friend to have.

She fluffed her pillow and wiggled her toes until she was perfectly comfortable, ignoring the searing pain in her chest and the tart crumbs in her bed. She swore she heard a soft chuckle, but decided it must be the potions. She slipped back into her pleasant dreams.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Evans! What are you doing out of the hospital wing?” Sirius sprang up from his spot on a couch by the fire when she entered the portrait hole.

Lily shrugged. “I couldn't stand being there anymore.”

“Remus said she was keeping you a week! How did you get Madam Dunlap to let you go?” Peter asked in awe.

“I have connections.” She winked.

Sirius narrowed his eyes suspiciously at her, causing her to smirk uncharacteristically.

He didn’t need to know that Lily threatened not to take her potions if she was forced to stay in the wing a moment longer. After quite a bit of bickering, Madam Dunlap grudgingly let her go.

“I think we found a place for the club–” Sirius began loudly but Lily shushed him aggressively.

“Are you daft? Don't announce our literal top secret plans to the entire common room!" Lily berated him in a harsh whisper that caused her throat to burn.

“No one in Gryffindor would turn us in!” Sirius insisted loudly.

“Really? That bloke there looks pretty shifty to me!” Lily pointed to a fifth year eavesdropping.

Sirius began to eye him suspiciously instead.

“We need to vet every member. Make sure they are on the right side of things before inviting them.” Lily insisted.

“You’re being a bit paranoid,” Remus said behind her. She hadn’t noticed he and James were studying at the table tucked by the window.

“You never know who you can trust anymore.” Lily thought bitterly of her now ex best friend.

Remus and James packed up their books and joined the seating area that Sirius, Peter, and Lily were occupying.

“So where is this place?” Lily asked lowly.

“There’s this passage behind that big gold mirror on the fourth floor. It leads to Hogsmeade, but it’s pretty big so I think we could hold meetings there.” James chimed in.

“If you want to go check it out after lunch, we can all go together.” Remus offered.

“Sure!” Lily agreed. She didn’t really want lunch, as Madam Dunlap’s potions hadn’t quite settled in her stomach, but she followed the boys out the portrait hole and down the stairs anyway.

She walked beside Peter and James, but remained quiet, enjoying the hum of conversation amongst them. There was a very distinct pattern in their discussions. James would propose rather bizarre conversation topics such as whether or not society should be inspired by Mandrakes and their freedom from clothing despite being humanoid or whether a ‘reverse’ centaur, with a man’s lower body and a horse’s head and upper body, would be more advantageous. Remus seemed to actually consider each topic and try to debate with him. Peter threw in hilarious cracks at any opportunity. Sirius, however, seemed to pepper biting sarcasm at every turn.

She quite liked not being surrounded by silence. Her roommates were amiable enough, but they weren’t Severus. She joined the clique just a little too late to be real friends.

She sat at the Gryffindor table, sandwiched between James and Sirius, hollowly bringing her fork to her mouth, but barely eating anything. Peter stealthily reached over into James’ plate when he and Remus had been arguing over the proper pronunciation of Alihotsy, a plant that causes hysteria, when Lily noticed him at the Slytherin table. He had a look of both shame and anger etched on his face.

He glared at her momentarily, then shot a look at both Sirius and James. A wave of guilt washed over her briefly, but she decided she didn’t give a damn whether it would hurt Severus’ feelings if she sat with his once tormentors.

She raised her chin defiantly, as Petunia often would when Lily tried to talk to her, and looked away from him, engaging in the debate with Remus and James. She put extra effort into smiling and laughing along.

He deserved to suffer for idly watching her suffer yesterday.

When Peter had managed to choke down the last of the bacon, they made their way out of the Great Hall toward the Grand Staircase.

“Watch your back, mudblood!” Lily heard Mulciber’s taunts echo through the hall and froze.

The blood raced through her veins again and she felt like she’d be sick.

“WHAT THE BLOODY–” He screamed in terror. She turned around and gaped at the sight of Mulciber hanging from the chandelier in just his underwear.

She whipped around, trying to determine who had done the magic. Each boy looked as innocent as boys that deviant could.

“What did you do?” Lily hissed.

“Hey, Mulciber!” Peter shouted gleefully, ignoring Lily entirely.

Mulciber did not verbally acknowledge him, but rather attempted to shoot daggers from his eyes.

“Why are you always _hanging_ around?” Peter snorted.

Laughter erupted from the group and even Lily found herself failing to suppress a giggle.

\--------------------------------------

The passage behind the giant ornate mirror on the fourth floor was, indeed, large enough to hold a small gathering. It was roughly the size of the transfiguration classroom.

“We could come up with a curriculum simple enough for a range of ages." Remus began.

“With some of our better tricks for the older students.” Sirius chimed in.

“Plus, with five of us teaching it, we should really be able to interact with everyone.” James added.

“I’d like to start with protective charms first.” Lily spoke up.

She could tell they wanted to jump head first into hexes and offensive spells, but with a strong shield a student could get away.

“I think Lily is right.” James smiled warmly at her. He seemed to be smiling warmly at her every chance he got now. She almost wanted to forgive him for everything he had done, but she just couldn't. It was only a matter of time before he slipped up again.

Remus nodded in agreement.

“That’s the boring stuff!” Sirius whined.

“The boring stuff saves lives!” Peter chimed in sounding distinctly like Remus.

Sirius mumbled an agreement, clearly sulking.

“Okay, well how about each of us invite two students to the club by next week?” Remus suggested.

“When should we hold the first meeting?” Peter asked.

“Maybe at night?” James suggested.

“No, they’ll be more likely to get caught. Let’s do it on Saturdays so it isn’t suspicious.” Lily disagreed.

“Then we technically won’t be doing anything wrong.” Remus reasoned.

“Just a group of friends hanging out, studying.” James mused.

“In a secret, probably forbidden corridor." Sirius added with a grin.

“Details.” Remus waved his hand dismissively.

 

 


	3. Moving to New York

As she rounded the corner, Lily glanced behind her. James was grinning goofily, Remus was frowning seriously. Sirius was brooding as per usual. Peter was looking a bit dazed. All four were brandishing their wands rather menacingly. Lily ignored her entourage and picked up her pace to the dungeons. She pushed the heavy door to the potions classroom, only to come face to face with Mulciber. She could feel the excitement radiating from the quartet behind her. It’s almost like they lived for confrontation.

“Potions this morning, mudblood?” He smiled at her, showing off his crooked teeth.

Lily, trying desperately not to let her vexation show, pushed right by him. As her shoulder hit his, he let out a harrowing screech. She gasped, resisting her natural urge to tend to the little beast. The literal little beast. There was now a big, fat rat where Mulciber had just stood.

“Blood hell! A rat!” Peter screeched, jumping onto the nearest chair, causing the other three boys to double over with laughter, hands gripping their sides. The rest of the class mimicked Peter’s response, several boys shrieking at higher pitches than the girls. A few boys pitched in to kick at the creature. Mulciber, still in rat form, scurried for his life. Lily almost felt bad for him, but the spell would surely wear off in a few minutes. Hours depending on the skill level.

Nevermind the fact that all of the students deal with rats on a daily basis in transfiguration. She pitched a single eyebrow at the four boys that had been following her, who had recovered from their laughter and all shrugged innocently.

“Settle down, settle down!” Slughorn grumbled as he entered the room.

“Oh-ho!” He smiled, seeing Lily already in her usual front seat back in class. She gave him a warm smile. Without him, who knows how she would have fared. He fiddled with the board, writing out a lengthy ingredient list.

Severus would normally have sat next to her, but James quickly slid into his spot. Lily’s first instinct was to glower at him, but she bit it back. She had to be civil if they were going to work together all year. Besides, he hasn’t been so bad so far. Even if it’s only the first week back.

“Sorry, I think Sirius really wanted to sit with Marlene, if that’s alright.” James apologized, recognizing her withheld glower.

“It’s fine.” Lily replied curtly.

James beamed at her despite her rudeness, then began scribbling the notes onto his parchment.

“Please gather your ingredients, then follow the steps on page 212. I’ll examine each draft at the end of the period.” Slughorn gesticulated wildly as he spoke. Lily pushed out her chair to go to the ingredients cupboard, but James touched her shoulder.

“I’ll get it. You can start heating the cauldron.”

“Alright then.” She settled back into her chair.

James monitored the cauldron as Lily worked her way through altering the ingredients. Crushing when she was instructed to chop, adjusting quantities, adding a pinch and a dash here and there. Sure, the textbook will bring you to an acceptable potion, but an impressive one? That requires an in-depth understanding of the ingredients and their properties. Something Lily had spent all of her time learning with Severus.

Lily glanced up throughout the period, noting the worn look on Slughorn’s face. He looked as helpless as a lot of the students felt. There was no denying that a darkness was settling over Hogwarts.

She worked in a daze, barely noticing James’ excitement when Slughorn announced to the class that they had produced perhaps the finest Draught of Living Death that he’d seen. She faintly acknowledged that the bell rang and automatically stood up, pushing in her chair and gathering her things. Beside her, James was going on and on about some new broomstick he was getting at the end of the month and how he wouldn’t mind if Lily wanted to take it for a spin. She murmured ‘uh-huh’ and ‘cool’ in all of the right places.

“James, do you mind if I catch up with you later? I forgot something in the classroom.” Lily doubled back, not waiting for an answer.

“I’ll wait for you.” James replied casually.

“No need, go on ahead.” she said firmly.

She quietly creaked the heavy door open, confirming her suspicion that Slughorn was already in his office for his planning period.

She tiptoed to his supply closet and found a large glass bowl for mixing ingredients. She gently placed it on his desk and fetched some water from the glass dispenser. She summoned a jar of lily petals from the top shelf of the ingredients closet. The glass bottle floated slowly down to her. She picked the largest, least withered petal from the jar before returning it to it’s spot on the dusty shelf. With the petal in hand, she pointed her wand at it for several seconds.

“That should work.” she murmured to herself, placing the petal into the glass bowl. Slughorn was sharp witted. He’d know it was from her and he’d know it was a thank you.

Without waiting a moment longer, she dashed out of the room, sprinting to her next period. She found James immediately. He was in a stance that would make one think he was sprinting, but was moving rather slowly.

“Did someone jinx you, Potter?” Lily stopped her sprint to check on him.

“Oh, no, I was just not waiting for you like you asked. I guess you’re just too fast for me.” James grinned cheekily at her.

“Instead of walking in slow motion, you could have actually been on time to class.” Lily reprimanded him, moving quickly once again, this time with him beside her.

“Old McGonagall would be more surprised if I showed up on time, I promise.” James waved his hand about as if potential detention from their head of house would be no big deal. Nevermind that they were head boy and girl!

When they arrived in class, McGonagall pursed her lips and glared at them expectantly.

“Sorry, Professor. Lily can’t pass up an opportunity to reprimand students.” James settled down noisily beside Sirius.

Lily rolled her eyes and sat beside Marlene, “It won’t happen again, Professor.” McGonagall seemed satisfied by her answer and continued on with her lecture.

“Incantation of this charm can be used to modify the colour and style of the caster's hair.” McGonagall lectured as she placed two mirrors on each table.

Elbow deep in notes, Lily felt something nudge against her back. She smacked at it, but nothing was there. She continued scribbling fervently, assuming she imagined it. She felt the nudging again and whipped around to smack it properly. A piece of folded up parchment was hovering behind her, James’ eyes concentrated on it. She snatched the paper from the air and whipped around before McGonagall noticed. She unfolded it, only to see that it was completely blank. She whipped her head back around, shooting James a questioning glance. He smirked and pointed back to it.

She stared at the blank parchment, only to see words slowly being sketched out.

 ** _I’m sorry for throwing you under the carriage with McGonagall_**

_‘It’s fine’_ Lily scribbled back, assuming James would be able to read it. She’d heard about two way parchment, but it was supposed to be quite expensive. Certainly too expensive for most students to use to pass notes in class.

**_I figured she wouldn’t mind if we were doing Head duties._ **

_“Dementors could bust down the doors of Hogwarts and she still would be irate that students were late,”_ Lily scratched back. James snorted quite loudly at her joke and she decided for the sake of both of them she wouldn’t reply for a few minutes. McGonagall would be furious if she knew the heads were swapping notes about her instead of taking notes. If she hadn’t already studied human transfiguration in such depth she would never even consider it.

“Now, please take out your wand.” McGonagall instructed.

Lily did as she was told, but shuffled the parchment under the pile of her notes because McGonagall would certainly walk around the classroom.

 _“Crinus Muto”_ the entire class chorused repeatedly.

Lily changed her neatly tied long hair into a choppy, short lilac bob.

She glanced over at Marlene, who was staring at her reflection in horror. She was now bald. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice.

“HELP!” Marlene frantically whispered to Lily. Lily pulled out her wand and transformed the shiny bald head into flowing turquoise locks.

“Nice job, ladies! Ten points to Gryffindor!” McGonagall offered her rare praise as she passed them to the next table. Marlene smiled guitily at Lily for the unearned points.

“You are definitely going to have to help me practice somewhere alone.” Marlene giggled, admiring herself in the mirror.

“Whenever you want!” Lily agreed.

“McKinnon, I quite like you with that hair!” Sirius grinned wolfishly from behind the girls.

Lily cringed upon seeing Sirius.

“That mustache!” Marlene frowned. Sirius had an enormous neon yellow handlebar mustache.

James had overgrown green eyebrows with matching braided pigtails.

“You look rather dashing!” Lily tried to suppress a laugh, but failed miserably.

“Dashing was the exact look I was after!” James shot her a dazzling grin. He honestly looked quite proud.

Remus, boringly, had changed his hair color to nearly the same shade as Lily’s natural color. Fair-haired Peter now had hair that suspiciously resembled Sirius’ normal hair.

McGonagall refused to let Marlene “rock” her turquoise hair outside of the classroom, despite both her’s and Sirius’ pleas. With the ringing of the bell, Lily packed her bag and shuffled her textbooks.

“Hey Lily.” James gently pulled her back as students rushed out of the classroom. “Can I speak to you a moment?” Lily bit back annoyance. She really just wanted to take a nap before dinner.

“Peter and I came up with an idea for Dumbledore’s assignment.”

“Oh?” Lily asked, interested for the first time. She tried to ignore the fact that his warm hand still in hers.

“A talent show!” James said excitedly. Lily openly cringed at the idea.

“What?” James said deflated. Lily took one look at his disappointed face and she lied through her teeth.

“Well, would you and I have to judge it? I don’t want that kind of pressure!” Lily replied quickly. Definitely too quickly, but James didn’t seem to notice.

“No! We could make all of the professors judge it! Or maybe even people outside of Hogwarts!” Excitement seemed to ooze off of James and she wasn’t going to be the one to destroy that. At least not while he was putting forth the effort to be nice to her.

“That sounds great, James. We can work out the details after dinner.” Lily pulled her hand out of his.

She sat her bag back on her desk and fished out James’ parchment that they had swapped notes on. “Here’s your parchment. I know this can’t be cheap.”

He put a finger on the edge of the long parchment and pushed it back to her.

“Keep it! Then we can chat anytime you want!” James looked down at her surprisingly serious looking.

“James, there’s no way I need this. Besides, if I want to talk to you I can just come hunt you down. You’re nearly always upstairs in the boys dormitory or in the common room.” Lily protested.

“Well, what if you have some amazing dream in the middle of the night about head duty stuff and you need to tell me immediately or you’ll forget?” James countered.

“I could just write it out on a piece of parchment by my bed.” she argued.

“Exactly! That piece of parchment!” he insisted, taking the parchment from her and putting it in her bag for her.

Lily considered arguing with him, but decided not to. She didn’t like being told what to do, but James was trying to be nicer and he didn’t mean anything by it. He walked her back to common room, discussing the pros and cons of handlebar mustaches, not needing Lily’s input to have a lively debate.

Lily sprawled across her neatly made dormitory bed, curtains pulled tight. Her hand felt oddly cold now. Weirdly, her mind kept wandering to James and his words on the train. If there’s one thing that she learned from her friendship with Severus, it’s that people can change. Thinking about James made her heart beat just a bit faster and suddenly she had trouble falling asleep.

 

 


	4. Lost in the Post

“It’s absolutely fine, Marlene!” Lily reiterated for the fifth time.

“It’s funny how I didn’t ask.” Marlene rolled her eyes.

“If Potter wants to act like–like.” Lily stammered, searching for the appropriate word.

“An arrogant toerag?” Marlene supplied, having already heard this exact speech approximately fifteen times in the past three days.

“Precisely! If Potter wants to act like an arrogant toerag, who am I to stop him?” Marlene ignored Lily’s rhetoric and continued scratching at her parchment with her slender quill, wanting for better lighting than the flicker of the common room fire.

Lily, on the other hand, creased her brow in frustration, paying no attention to the stubby quill she was gnawing on absentmindedly.

“I’m over it,” Lily said adamantly.

“Great, then you could finally pipe down long enough for me to finish Slughorn’s essay!” Marlene snapped irritably. They’d been in the common room all friday afternoon and still hadn’t finished.

“You’re not done? I finished that hours ago!” Lily leaned over to examine her friend’s parchment.

“You try comforting a whinging friend and write a paper at the same time.” Marlene grumbled.

“Oh, you’re nearly there! Just mention moonstone properties and you’ll have answered the prompt entirely.” Lily added, leaning over Marlene's shoulder to read her paper.

“Thank you.” Marlene replied begrudgingly, flipping to the page in her textbook detailing moonstone properties.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what he was thinking.” Lily huffed in aggravation.

“Maybe he thought that enough first years had been tortured for dark magic practice?” Marlene said sarcastically, scribbling furiously.

“So you _don’t_ think he was out of order?” Lily asked incredulously.

“Hardly.” Marlene answered, not bothering to look up to acknowledge Lily’s affronted look.

The portrait of the Fat Lady swung open and the distinctive clamoring sent Lily into a tizzy gathering up her books.

“I’m exhausted. I think I’ll go to bed early!” Lily called to Marlene, dashing to the staircase to the dormitory. Marlene didn’t bother to acknowledge her.

“Lily, wait!” James cried out at the sight of her disappearing figure. Lily, however, did not wait.

“Give her time, James.” Lily could faintly hear Marlene reassure him. Traitor.

“Merlin, I fucked it up all over again, didn’t I?” James asked defeatedly. She’d avoided him everywhere possible. Even in classes, it was as if he didn’t exist at all.

“It needed to be done.” Marlene sighed.

“Yeah, mate, she’ll come around.” Sirius comforted him.

Lily removed her pressed ear from the heavy oak door and sprawled across her bed, pulling the hangings closed. She began poring over her plans for the secret defense club. She wanted to personally vet every single member before inviting them. She compiled the names of students into categories of those that could definitely be trusted and those that needed to be observed better.

Right after finishing that task, she heard the dormitory door open and close. Not feeling up to chit-chat, she pretended to be asleep in case the intruder happened to pull back the hangings of her bed. She found herself slipping into sleep, no one disturbing her afterall.  
\----------------------------------------------  
James couldn’t help but wonder where he went wrong. Sure, in the past he might have been harder on Snivellus than other Slytherins, but this time he deserved it! It wasn’t like James had only punished Snape either! He also hexed Rosier! Just as severely too!

It was either more first years being harassed or James stepping in. He chose to step in. He found himself transitioning from feeling apologetic to feeling irate. What did Lily want from him? To protect students as long as it wasn’t from her former best mate? Well, he didn’t like the good-ole-boy system and wasn’t going to make exceptions. Except maybe for Peter, Sirius, and Remus. They were too smart to hurt anyone though. 

James paced back and forth in his dormitory, mostly unnoticed by his other roommates. Longbottom was out seducing some Hufflepuff, Peter was scampering about in the kitchens with Remus, and Sirius was reading an article ‘for muggle studies’ about hair care spells versus muggle products. Somehow, James didn’t think it was for muggle studies.

“You’re giving me second-hand anxiety. Could you just sit down?” Sirius asked, not looking up.

James sat down on his bed, huffing dramatically.

“She’s never going to talk to me again.” James whined.

“Good riddance.” Sirius said jokingly.

James shot a poisonous glare his way.

Sirius sighed, putting down his magazine. He stared at James for several seconds before speaking.

“Lily is a small apologies kind of girl. Don’t do some grand gesture.” Sirius regarded his over-the-top friend.

“I don’t think I have anything at all to apologize for!” James said defensively.

“You don’t, but girls don’t see it that way, mate. No matter what, the men have to apologize if they want to get that special lovin’” Sirius wiggled his eyebrows in what James was sure he thought was a seductive manner, but was rather off-putting at best.

“You’re disgusting." James snickered. He took Sirius’ words to heart and grabbed his quill and parchment from his desk.

“I’ve read some of your earlier poetry, mate. I’m not the disgusting one. _‘Oh my blossoming Lilyflower, let me pluck thee–”_ James interrupted Sirius’ rendition of fourth year poetry by throwing a pillow at Sirius’ face.

James wrote and rewrote, scratching out lines at a time until he had approximately ten crumpled up wads of parchment littering the floor. Finally, he felt good about one. It wasn’t so much of an apology for his actions as an apology for not considering how his actions would make her feel. Without his owl, he decided to fold the parchment up and levitate it out of his room into the girls’ dormitory. He leaned out the window, guiding every move. He wasn’t quite sure which bed was Lily’s, but he knew based on eavesdropping that Marlene’s was nearest to the bathroom because she got queasy sometimes due to her sleeping potion. Lily’s should be right next to hers.  
The next morning, Lily awoke to scraggles of sunshine streaming through her cracked window. Part of her hangings must have blown open in the middle of the night. She mentally cursed Marlene, who had the internal thermostat of a middle-aged menopausal woman. There was no reason for the window to be cracked when it was comfortable in the castle. She wiggled her toes in aggravation before scooting off her bed to close the window.

Hopping off her bed, she heard a distinct crumpling sound. On her knitted rug was a now very creased letter. She picked it up, trying to smooth out the creases with her hand.

 _Dear Lily,_ she folded the letter back up at put it in her dresser. She wasn’t prepared to try to decipher Potter’s chicken scratch this early in the morning. She’d save that headache for this afternoon.

She cast a glance at Marlene's sleeping form. She wasn't completely wrong about the whole ordeal. All of the out-of-control Slytherins needed to be stopped. She of all people knew that. But that look of glee that Potter had. He enjoyed hurting them in the name of 'justice'. She couldn't stomach that glint he had in his eye. It wasn't really much different than the one that Rosier had testing some awful spell on the younger student. What was it he had said? _sectumsempra_. She had seen that written somewhere, but for the life of her couldn't remember where. Tiny slices had erupted all over the body of the younger student. The blood gushed everywhere, spreading across the ancient stone, pooling in grout lines.

She couldn't get the look of terror out of her head. She thought it must have been the exact same way that she looked just weeks before. It had gotten too far out of control. She had to do something. But then there was James' grin as he hexed Severus. You shouldn't grin in that situation. Should you?

Dressed in her favorite sleep clothes of Gryffindor themed sweat pants and a ratty Holyhead Harpies sweater that Marlene had gotten her two Christmases ago (insisting it was the only team any self respecting witch followed), Lily climbed out of the portrait for a small breakfast.

The grumbling of her stomach only intensified at the smell of ham and eggs when she entered the great hall.

Halfway through her third bite of her eggs, Sirius Black slid into a seat directly across from her looking at her expectantly.

“Can I help you?” Lily swallowed her eggs prematurely.

“You know you’re being a bint, right?” Sirius said matter-of-factly.

“You know you’re being a hippogriff’s ass, right?” Lily rolled her eyes, picking at a piece of ham.

“If he had hexed anyone else, you wouldn’t have cared. Or are you this upset because you think Rosier is such an upstanding guy?” Sirius asked boredly. He always seemed like he couldn’t be bothered.

Lily sighed.

“It’s not that I think what he did was wrong.” Lily began, trying to choose her words carefully. “It’s just that he seemed to be chomping at the bit for a chance to do it.”

“Well, he stayed up all night torturing himself over it, so I don’t think you’ve quite got the right impression.” Sirius frowned at her. Lily searched Sirius’ eyes for any source of deception, but found none. This caused her to sigh even louder.

“Look, I’ll talk to him about it. I’m sure I’ll see him tonight at the party.” Lily internally grimaced.

“Are you seriously telling me that Lily Evans, Hogwarts’ very own resident stick in the mud, will be at a party after hours in the Forbidden Forest?” Sirius asked disbelievingly.

“Oh, I wanted to shut the whole thing down, but have you ever tried dealing with Marlene?” Lily sighed exasperatedly.

“Not as much as I’d like to!” Sirius winked, grabbed a slice of ham from Lily’s plate and leaving the table altogether.

“Prat.” Lily muttered to herself.

She didn’t exactly want to deal with Potter, but to be fair she might have overreacted slightly. Besides, her chest didn’t feel as heavy knowing she was going to resolve a conflict. Tension always made her feel sick to her stomach anyway.


End file.
